Fun, In Quotation Marks

This week has been full of interesting quotes, some of which I am compelled to share here. Prepare to be surprised, perplexed and maybe even a little bit befuddled. First up is a quote from a sign I saw tonight in an AT&T store while I was pondering my bi-yearly upgrade options. The sign, formatted as seen below, advertised a $70 "accessories bundle" which includes:

"...a bluetooth headset, a car charger and your choice of carry case.*  *($30 value or less)"

Also tonight I stopped by the vet to pick up some flea medication. Because I bought two packages, I got an extra dose free. All three items received an instructional sticker (to justify the price), and all three items had the following instructions:

"APPLY CONTENTS OF 1 TUBE DIRECTLY TO SKIN AT BACK OF THE NECK ONCE MONTHLY."

Don't think about it too hard; that wasn't the interesting part. I can only assume there is something extra super special about the free extra dose, because it and it alone had these additional, extra super special instructions:

"WAIT 24-48 HOURS BEFORE AND AFTER BATHING BEFORE APPLYING."

OK, hold on a second, let me figure this one out. I have to bathe my cats, then wait two days, then apply the medicine, right? No, that's not right, I have to wait two days first, and then bathe them, then wait one day and then apply the medicine. Why can't I bathe them now? That can't be right. Maybe I should bathe them now, then apply the medicine, then wait two days. For what? I'm confused. What if I don't want to bathe them? Is it required? Forget it. I'm just going to wait a week, slap it on, and hope their hair doesn't fall out. This is what I get for accepting free medications.

Next up is a quote from the same .NET certification study guide I complained about before. It's actually the very last review question in the book, and it topped the entire reading experience off with a resounding "huh??" I suppose I should thank someone. See if you can figure it out:

4. Which tool can you use to create performance counters? (Choose all that apply.)
   1. An HTTP header
   2. A file
   3. A time span
   4. A registry key
   5. Another object in the Cache

Believe it or not, the correct answer is actually: "F. None of those things. What's wrong with you?"

The following is a quote from the lease for my current (and soon to be former) apartment. I stumbled across it just now while taking a break from writing this post and, looking back on my previous experiences with apartment management, I find it utterly sublime, particularly the first sentence of the second paragraph:

22. RELEASE OF RESIDENT. Unless you're entitled to terminate this Lease Contract under paragraphs 10, 16, 23, 31 or 37, you won't be released from this Lease Contract for any reason--including but not limited to voluntary or involuntary school withdrawal or transfer, voluntary or involuntary job transfer, marriage, separation, divorce, reconciliation, loss of co-residents, loss of employment, bad health, death, or property purchase.
    
    Death of Sole Resident. If you are the sole resident, upon your death you may terminate the Lease Contract without penalty with at least 30 days written notice. You will be liable for payment of rent until the latter of: (1) the termination date, or (2) until all possessions in the apartment are removed. You will be liable for all rent, charges, and damages to the apartment until it is vacated, and any removal and storage costs.

If you're wondering why I stopped in the middle of this post to read my apartment lease, it's because I received a voice-mail today from my apartment management saying, "I am just calling to let you know that we will be showing your apartment tomorrow at noon," and I was reading my lease to determine if they had a reasonable expectation of actually doing so (as it turns out, they do; it's right there on the 18th line of paragraph 28.2).

In contrast, this last quote is the conversation (paraphrased) I had this week with the "Leasing Consultant" at the apartment complex I am moving to:

LC: "I needed to call and let you know that the resident that is currently in the apartment you reserved needs to extend, and so we won't be able to lease you that apartment."

Me: "Oh. Well, OK."

LC: "So would you mind if we put you in an identical apartment for $55 less per month?"